Sometimes, its best not to argue. You may be right, or you may be wrong, it doesn't matter. And especially if the fight is with someone you are close to, its the best way to diffuse the situation.
Eight years ago, I had a trivial fight with one of my close friends. Just when harsh words were beginning to be said, I walked away. We didn't speak for the next month or so, but there were no biter memories of any stinging insults. There was just awkwardness. Which was eventually overcome. There is, of course, another way to go about these things. You could scream, shout, rave, rant, hurl abuses, debate and ultimately prove your point. But in doing so you say so many things, that you later on wish you hadn't.
My mom once told me , " Words are like Astras( Indian mythologial special powers granted by the GODS just by saying them aloud); once they are spoken, they cannot be taken back." You could hurt someone really badly with a sentence that hits them where no slap, punch or kick can.
And that is why I choose to walk away. Or hang up. Depending on the situation. Just when you feel you are boiling over, turn the gas off. Cut yourself out. Take some time. Let a day or two pass. You wont believe the clarity of thought that comes with a new day.
A few months ago, a friend, his wife and yours truly were shopping at a mall. There was a mistake made by a employee, and my friend blew his top. Just when he started screaming at the employee, the Floor Manager came rushing to us, offered his apologies, and took us away to his office on another floor. This happened within 2-3 min. The speed and the way in which he diffused the situation greatly impressed me. We were given water, and free gifts. No arguments, no debate.
Rather than making a fire look insignificant by making an even bigger one next to it,I like to separate myself from it as much as I can, so its flames wont touch me. Eventually, the fire will burn itself out.
It might upset the other person, who is probably expecting a grand argument, but trust me, it works.
Try it the next time. Try walking away.
10 comments:
That is so right Rohit..i myself try to do it..mind it just try ...though i don't succeed in it very often.because most reactions in my case are so spontaneous.the first things that come to my mind..and often you are left wondering later what if that hurt the other person? will keep this post in mind the next time i feel like arguing:-)nice post anyways.
"Turn the other cheek" preached Gandhi...In this age, people have so much frustration and hate bottled up inside that even the smallest of triggers can make them go !! And go they do....
Those days are gone, when you can win someone over with your "good will"...may be only in movies...when did I become such a cynic ???? I take that back...Kar bhala toh ho bhala....I believe in that....wait...what the hell was I saying :)!! Need my coffee...This is exactly what I mean..I can erase whatever it is that I am writing right now and no one will know it ever happened..I am typing even as I think...and well...you get the gist...
I think I agree with you more now...I have been shooting from my lip for a long time....and have paid the dear price...losing dear friends over fights is the stupidest thing you can do...and I have done enough of that...I wish I came to grips with that before.... anyways... instead of getting into that argument with myself...I will walk away... :) It takes a lot of maturity, care and level headedness to forgive and forget if someone has wronged you...and sometimes...they don't deserve it...may be then..you should make a selfish judgement call.
Like Dr S says...controlling the rush of blood...is the key....But I am a Cricketer at heart...and a fast bowler...was...so I have to reply with a bouncer or yorker...when I get hit...just instinct :)
I have read somewhere...(in a self help book!! Guilty) "Between stimuli and response there is space...in this space lie the choice we make...and on these choices...does our existence"...Stretching the space doesn't do much (not always) to the result or 'response'...You could be just as bitter after a few days...and sometimes...you have to fight...
Look up one of my favorite songs.."The Coward of the County"...Its an old country number...Like you said...everyone has a 'boiling point' ... avoid it as much as you can..sometimes you have to give in...
I loved the use of the term "astras"...Good on you..good analogy..Kaku la saang.
Cheers,
Ranjeet
@ dr. Punyani :
Thanks, If this post can help avoid even one argument in your life, i will consider myself hugely successful !
@ ranjeet :
Yes i totally agree that everyone has a boiling point....Thats why i advise cutting the gas out much before that point can be reached..
Agreed you are a fast bowler.. if you are hit for a boundary straight down the ground, and if the batsman tells you what he thinks of your bowling, you can either go up to him and sledge back, or you can look away, go to your bowling mark and get on with it.
The choice is yours.
My philosophy is not actually turning the other cheek, but rather moving out of arms reach... the other persons urge to slap will go away after some time.
You know that I know you are right...its a case of "kaltay pan vallat nahi"...well..I guess its time to grow up... :) Next time...I will do as you suggest....Will let you know what gives..
Good work bro..
This is so true. There have been many times when I have thought that I should have refrained from saying something. This is the best option you have to contain egos and maintain relationships.
Obviously its easier said than done, and some reactions are just too spontaneous. But I think I should try harder. Thanks for the article.
Thanks nikhil, but let me warn you, that there will be many people who will get really upset with you for walking away..
Well I think that would be down to judging the moment really.. if I may put it that way.. of course one solution may not work for every occasion.. but it is at least an effort to calm things down :)
Time is the greatest healer they say.. & we should really use this resource sometimes.. what say?
Use it and let me know ! All the best...
Sure, thanks :)
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